Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Shorty after putting my journal on the nightstand, I flicked off the lamp and lied down next you. I had become accustomed to sleeping alone, and the heat of your body was a bit overwhelming. In an attempt to get more comfortable, I pushed the covers off of me and turned on the fan. Your hot wet skin was a welcome torture, and I pulled you closer as I slipped into oblivion. Not even an hour had passed before you began to squirm. Out of instinct, I tried to hold you down, but before I could get back to sleep, you pulled away from me again. Your arm brushed my cell phone, and you triggered the display. There was a soft blue glow, and I saw a glimpse of your naked body as you slipped into your pants. By the time I had gotten out of bed, you were fully dressed and stuffing things into your purse. I asked you to lie back down, but you refused. You hugged me and told me that you loved me. You whispered the words, "thank you" and walked out of my room while texting someone. After you left, I looked at the clock. It was three forty-two in the morning. Our entire visit was less than four hours, and I was more alone than ever. Seeing you made things worse. I hate myself right now. I hate you for this.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
It was so late, and I hadn't slept for three days. I'd been listening to your mix-tape for the past week, and the bed was colder than it had been since winter of last year. Whenever the chords changed from C to D, the tears would fall. Nothing could fix me, and I was absolutely broken to the core. The light in my bedroom lamp had blown out earlier that night, and I didn't have the energy to replace it. Other than the glow of the screen on my cellphone, the room was dark. It gave my skin a bit of a blue glow, and it reminded me of how we used to watch TV in bed. I had stopped weeping at this point. It wasn't even sobbing or whimpering anymore. It was just one tear after another, falling like a steady rain. I was too hurt to move, and they soaked my pillow to the point of discomfort. My face was dry from the salt, and my mouth was bitter and dry. I was staring at the phone and thinking of you. At that point, I think it was impossible for me to hurt anymore. It was the kind of pain that breeds desperation and makes you rationalize irrational thoughts. I had forgotten what your eyes looked like, and the way your skin felt. I'd forgotten the sound of your voice and the smell of your hair. All I had were memories that were triggered by songs, and those were fading fast. I'm not sure if I was sad because I missed you, or because I was forgetting you. Probably both. When I reached for my phone, I felt like I had lost control. I went into some type of emotional survival mode as I flipped through my contacts and pulled up your name. As I started to text you, the tears stopped and for the first time in a long time, I felt hope. My message contained two words:
Right now, you are next to me, and I'm writing this as you sleep. Regardless of what happens when you wake up. Those two words changed my life tonight. Maybe forever.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
For over fifteen years, I've had conversations via chat room, text message, and e-mail. While communicating in this manner, I began to notice a disturbing trend. Our Language was being re-written with childish abbreviations. At first, it was only teenagers, but eventually adults started to utilize this new vernacular. The result was a bastardized version of the English language. I'm not happy about it, but I can live with it.
On the other hand, I have no tolerance for emoticons. Humanity has spent thousands of years developing sophisticated and elaborate languages. To date, this is one of our greatest feats as a species. So, to watch humans replace words (or even full sentences) with a "smiley-icon" breaks my heart and makes my blood boil simultaneously. I knew I hated emoticons, but I couldn't quite verbalize why until now. Recently, while on a long bus ride, I received numerous annoying text messages (none of which I responded to). This led me to scribble out a list of reasons I despise emoticons.
Here is that list:
- Using crude symbols instead of actual words is a step backwards for any society.
- No one really makes emoticon-style faces when they text or type. I beg you to find someone that sticks their tongue out and winks at their phone or computer while texting or typing.
- If you have to signify flirting or innuendo with an emoticon, you're doing it wrong.
- Pre-school children communicate with emoticon-style drawings (happy faces, sad faces, etc). It's an infantile form of communication. Teenagers just adapted it and taught it to their parents. Hell, my grandma even sends emoticons via her Jitterbug now.
- Most everyone uses emoticons, but that doesn't make it right. Acceptance doesn't validate ignorance.
- If we keep it up, emoticons will be in the dictionary and/ or taught schools.
- The capitol-O/ underscore/ lowercase-o combo (O_o). I hate this one. It's the emoticon equivalent of a derp face.
- Keyboards are for words, not pictures.
- I only write what I can speak. Emoticons are an obvious regression from this concept.
- When I ask a question, I want an answer. Not a smiley face. Is this too much to ask?
Some say I'm overreacting, but try not using emoticons while communicating on the web or via text message. You'd be surprised how much you've come to rely on them.